Tuesday, March 16, 2010

meltdown

I have to say it.
I had a complete meltdown Saturday. We have put off building our house and starting our farm for months. We have been in our middle of town IN a second story APARTMENT for 1 and 1/2 yrs. ONE AND ONE HALF YEARS.
We had driven out to our property that day to broadcast some red clover . Afterwards we went to sit on a little hill to watch the sun go down. It was a perfect, warm spring day.
I just broke down and couldnt stop crying.
My husband, who doesn't do any of the gardening (past the tilling and tractoring) could not understand the rush of emotion that I was feeling.
"What is it?" he said.
I said, " Kyle, it's spring and I can't tolerate or live with the fact that I'm going to spend another season in that apartment. If I had known we wouldnt have started building right away I would have never let you sell that farm!"
He thought a minute and said," Honey, you know the economy is bad here ,to start our farm over right now is very risky. Just building our house is risky right now. I'm afraid we could lose everything."
Looking over at him with my dirty teary face I retorted, " I will die if I can't start this house and build up the farm now, this year." I threw myself on the ground and starting wailing in earnest.
He didn't say anything, just walked away to finish sowing the seeds. (He is a wise man. He knows you can't reason with a woman who has just thrown herself face down in the grass.)
After the sun went down, he came back, picked me up off the ground and drove us back to town.
I thought, "He's heartless. He can't see my heart is breaking."
Well, of course, I was wrong.
He told me to call the contractors yesterday and make an appointment to buy our houseplans.
I am a little embarassed now about the meltdown, but I am happy that he will at least try to help me be a little less hopeless. Spring makes me feel a little nuts. Without my gardens and dirt in my hands, I don't know who I am.
I am grateful that he loves me. He is a good man.

5 comments:

comfrey cottages said...

awww honey i am so glad that the wheels are turning again for you toward your dream! i don't blame you for having a meltdown, and it sounds like your hubby understood also:) sending you big supportive hugs:)

sunflowerherbfarm said...

my thanks for the hugs.
My husband and I both just walked in from our respective jobs, a first this week that we have been home at the same time. I kissed him on the cheek as he closed the door and he said,
"aw, u just love me for my houseplans".
We had a good laugh about that.
Seriously, I thank you. After living on a farm for 13 years it is very difficult to live in 600 square feet with no place to plant.
Love your blog, its very thoughtful with good insights. You are in the UK?

The Herbal Biologist said...

I can almost feel that pull myself, reading it in your words -- that pull to stay on the land and resist riding back to the apartment. You'll be sooo happy living in that new house -- Sound's like you've got the perfect roommate too!

sunflowerherbfarm said...

thank you for ur kind words.
We gave our contractor the ideas we had and he is drawing them up this weekend. I'm so hopeful and giddy that I could dump a bag of mulch on the ground and roll around in it.
To stand in the middle of a row of sunflowers and tomatoes with a glass of iced tea in my hands is about as etheral as i can imagine.
Good luck in your spring plantings!
do you live on a farm?
Jan

Kate Freer said...

My heart goes out to you.....we have gone throug moves and living in places we certainly were not happy about. Life sometimes, is just one step at a time. I know the feeling of feeling like your heart is breaking with not being able to plant and farm. God Bless you and your next path.