winter blues..and greens...and....

My ability to write this blog has been a bit diminished lately.
A very sad thing happened to us on the very week,
no, no, on the very day we were supposed to close our house loan. My husband had an oil spill with the company crude oil truck. This means he was pumping oil into the container on his truck and a valve caused a hose to burst and it spilled out many gallons onto the ground. Lots of crude oil on the ground.

He was fired.

He is a much better person than me. The bank and the lawyers closing our loan would not have asked us about our jobs on this day. We were already approved.
They were ready to give us the money.
My husband said it was wrong to take the loan because he lost his job and it would be lying.
I did not see it this way. I was frantic, panicked. Absolutely crazy. I lost -my-freaking- mind.
The day the spill happened, he came home very late. I knew something had happened.
He tried to explain,but I held up my hand in front of my face and said,
"No...Kyle...I can't talk to you right now. Please don't tell me anymore. I can't hear what you want me to know."
Honestly, I don't think I could have held my tongue. I would have said every terrible thing I was thinking. It would have changed our relationship forever if I had spoken what my burning brain was thinking.
So.................................
We didn't speak to each other for 5 days.
That's a very long time when you live in an apartment that's only 500 square feet. A second floor apartment with 12 steep concrete steps. (pure hell when you buy groceries and you're 50 years old.)
At the end of those terrible days, we forgave each other. We talked and talked all night. We decided never to go so long again without forgiving each other.
My heart is broken tho..
I feel broken
all over.
Another spring in town. No plowing, no planting, no anything.
Had to call everyone. The builder, the bank, the lawyer. It was so humilating.
My friends and co-workers ask me about the house and I just say, "oh, it's coming along". It's hard to lie. Not much of a lie, but it feels like a big fat one.
The good news is, we have 4 months to accept the loan, the bank will just run our credit again. Thank God we won't have to start all over with the loan process.
That means I have until March. Not very long. Hmmph.
My husband is looking for a new job, may have one in February.
I sincerely hope he gets it. I don't know if I have the strength to start a loan all over again. It's so hard, so very hard to start over.
Valuable lesson learned tho..
I learned that no matter what happens in a marriage, you have to forgive your partner. He is your lover,spouse, your friend.
He is the person you can not live without. The man that looks after you when you are sick or angry or discouraged. The person you've been looking for. The guy that loves you when you are very tired at the end of a long day.
When you know that you are married for life, have a true partnership; a real, honest- to- goodness, " I love you more than my own life" relationship,
you just have no option but to forgive .
No matter what happens. Ever.
I love him like that. I love him forever, until my life is over.