Saturday, October 24, 2009

autumn white night

I have tried to sleep tonight, very tired, but my recent bout with the flu has made me restless and melancholy.
When sleep escapes me, my mind wanders to the old farm.
In these tired waking nightmares I feel myself walking barefoot in the early fog morning ; down the worn dirt paths that led to the pasture, over the cool grasses that were the back yard and edge of our herb garden. My hand trails along the tall prairie grasses wet with dew, spiders raising their little arms as I pass, cottontails and possums scrunching deeper into their hiding places, small salamanders slinking behind rocks.

I remember every herb, flower and fruit that has grown there over the years. I close my eyes and inhale their scents as deeply as I can.

The fog has not burned off yet; it hovers, swirls over the gardens,meadows....so I sit on the damp, cool ground and wait for it disappear .



It is very quiet in this dream. (or wakemare, as I call it)

I am so overcome with pain and when my idle, tired mind leads me back there, I feel the loss of the farm so intensely. The sharp pain makes me stop breathing. It was not mine, not ours. It was just a place, a resting place for us for a little while. I should not feel so possessive of it.
The gardens we created there were so beautiful, peaceful ,lovely.
The ache and anger I feel at it's loss threatens to bring me down. But only when I let it, only when I allow it.
It's true that you should not look back. It's not a good thing to feel this way.
Night time is very mystical, you say things that you would not say in the day.
Thank goodness I sleep well most of the time.

2 comments:

comfrey cottages said...

awwww wakemares! the bittersweet and seductive. the good is so good when it happens that i think it is too much to expect not to miss and desire those times! i understand 'hugs'! things i would use to help me during times when wakemares have me in their arms is rose oil or any form of rose really. i especially like the oil as i find myself first just dabbing the pulse points, then rubbing my arms and legs, and by the time i come too i have smeared it over every bare bit of skin i have! but you know what, it helps me come back in and focus on what needs done now and i am calmer. hope to talk to you soon:)

sunflowerherbfarm said...

my thanks for the comment. your suggestion of rose oil is so very welcome.
we have had a few serious setbacks this week on the house plans. it has made me go back to this post to put things into perspective. someone told me once that to be so joyously happy was to put yourself in peril. the bubble it creates is similar to its sister, the soap bubble. as beautiful as it is, it must burst at some point.
life is funni, tragic sometimes. when i walk out into my garden this evening, i will forget this sadness. I will be grateful for the gift of color, fragrance and peace that i will have. the earth is such a healer.